Monday, April 10, 2006

Apparently Yoko Ono REALLY likes snow.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

A message from Bill O'Reilly concerning Yanni's arrest.

"Talking Points: Further proof the liberal media is out to get us? The persecution of my good friend and fellow fascist, Yanni. I was there that day and saw what REALLY happened. Let's just say it involved rope, lubricant, a relaxing keyboard solo, and her consent. Yanni...guy's just been down on his luck since he went from 'stache to goatee/beard. Conservative new age composer looks like a gangsta and all the sudden the liberal pinkos have to hype this thing up like he killed the bitch. If Sarah Silverman or Ralph Nader had a bunch of facial hair, do you think they'd make a big deal of that? Most people 18-35 don't even know who Ralph Nader is. And no, I'm not including reefer-smoking, devil-worshipping "college students." Fuckin' pussies. We need another 'Nam is what we need. Or an Iran-Contra, only instead of guns we send godless commies with names like Conor who wear more makeup than their girlfriends, who in turn look like guys, with bombs strapped to their puny, hairless little chests. Or better yet, drop them from an airplane without parachutes directly above the jailhouse in Manalapan, Florida, to bust out our good friend and fellow cigar-munching, tantric-sex-having, pinko-punching, queer-bashing, racist, sexist, doesn't-go-down-on-his-girlfriend-but-makes-her-give-him-head-even-if-he's-gassy conservative new age maniac, John Yanni Christopher. Perhaps I'll have to reform the "Stop acting like you enjoy buttfucking me, O'Reilly. Ann Coulter can see from your flacid penis and painted toenails that you are not a satisfying sex partner for Ann Coulter. If only Joe McCarthy were still alive. You are so Gay!"-team, with master-of-disguise Michael Bolton, alto-sax-weilding sex fiend Kenny G(orelick), and "Wonder(which one is the bottom) Twins", Hall & Oates. Seal the borders! Life begins at conception! I assrape myself with a broom handle. Hilary Clinton is the devil! There are cameras in our TV sets! Martin Luther King was a commie! Abraham Lincoln was a commie! Karl Marx, however, wasn't. He was actually a conservative, smeared by the Al Frankens of this world and robbed of his good name, just like Joe McCarthy. Ann Coulter tossed my salad. Afterwards, we ate it with some excellent Paul Newman (fucking commie)(tasty shit, though) Ranch dressing and shared a nice Chianti. Then she licked my asshole. Then Jonathan came in and shot her in the fucking head. What a pinko jerk. Afterwards, I mounted her corpse for a couple of hours while stopping occasionally to drown adorable little puppies in the bathtub. Stop sniffling, you anti-American, puppies don't have souls. Then an ad came on for "Brokeback Mountain." Fucking disgusting. Trying to turn our kids into homos and our homos into AIDS-spraying SUPER-HOMOS, with purple hair and sequined clothes and pink skin pinker than the pinkest asshole of all the little altar-boys that have ever knelt to Jesus (hail Mary) before a priest. Luckily, I had already blown my load on a pile of dead babies. No, I'm not pro-choice, idiots. They were BLACK babies, not REAL babies. Duh! SHUT UP, YOU SECULARISTS! IF YOU DON'T CELEBRATE RAPING AND MURDERING BLACK CHILDREN, YOU HATE CHRISTMAS. CHRISTMAS MAKES CHILDREN...REAL CHILDREN...YOU KNOW, UPPER MIDDLE CLASS WHITE CHILDREN...HAPPY. They probably would have grown up to be gangster rappers anyways, like Will Smith and Sir Mixalot and the Wang Chung Clan. Society made me this way. Priests fingered MY cute little butt at a young age. Stop me before I kill again. Kenny G gives great head. THE ACLU SUPPORTS "GAY" PEOPLE?!? Tell them to stop pushing that subversive sodomite agenda on us real Americans. I am NOT a member of NAMBLA. I am Secretary of Conservative Talk Show Hosts who Act Disgusted by "Perverse" sexual behaviors like homosexuality and Sodomy, but Secretly Enjoy Fucking Young Boys in Thailand. Now onto the Most Ridiculous Item of the Day..."- Bill O' Reilly

Article here. Secularist scum.

Butthole Surfers "To Parter"

Monday, January 30, 2006

School begins tomorrow. Joy.

Amon Duul II "Archangel's Thunderbird"(Krautrock)
Ima Robot "STD Dance"(Post-punky dancerock shit with just a pinch of hip-hop. Better than fucking Moving Units, that's for sure.)
Devo "That's Good"(Need I explain this one? Devo at it's gawky best. For a laugh, be sure not to miss the Devo-approved Dev2.0)(and for more of the same don't miss the utterly astounding Polysics...)
Polysics "Tei Tei Tei"(See what I mean? Now that is Devo 2.0)
Monsters are Waiting "Nobody"(Awesome LA new wave band I caught a few months back opening for theSTART...their LP drops in March, I believe. The singer is a very enigmatic young woman and their songs are among the catchiest I've heard in ages.)
Popul Vuh "Aguirre I"(Haunting theme to my favorite film. This version ends with the native playing the tribal instrument, as seen in the film. And in case you aren't in the know, Werner Herzog's "Aguirre, the Wrath of God" is amazing. Don't rent it. Buy it. Now. You won't be dissapointed.)

Sunday, January 01, 2006

There's something down there!

Friday, December 16, 2005

Celebrities I've engaged in sexual acts with (ALL TRUE!)

Kenny G...Very gentle. Wears sweater at all times. Even in the shower.

Yanni...Very rough. Tantric and spiritual, but rough. His moustache is course and doesn't feel very good on the nuts.

Micheal Bolton...Refused to leave. And his receded ass hair clogged up my shower drain.

Sandra Bernhard...I thought she was Peaches and wanted to brag about "fucking HER pain away, har har." All I got was the resoundingly horrible image of Sandra screaming "Oy, yes!" in all her gapped-tooth glory.

Louis Armstrong...After going back in time, instead of invest in stocks or prevent wars, I did Satchmo. He was wowed by my "cellular phone." I was wowed by how he played my horn.

Gary Busey...I know this list reeks of less-than-straightness, but dude, I totally thought they were chicks. Take Busey. I thought he was Courtney Love. I SWEAR!

Neil Armstrong...I figured any dude related to Louis Armstrong would be good in the sack. This "ass"tronaut burned me. Bad. One small step towards the free clinic, one giant wart on the end of my wang. And get this...he couldn't even play a note of the trumpet. Some Armstrong!

Lucy Liu...I'm the reason that she's cross eyed.

Karen Black...her, too.

Ben know how he talks all slow? That is because after a marathon 48-hour session with me back in 1978...yep.

Diana Ross...I turned her upside down and inside out. She thanked me in the liner notes of some Christmas album.

Yoko Ono...When she insisted on calling me "John" instead of Jon, I kicked her to the curb. She also made me sing "Yesterday." That was a McCartney song, Yoko...DUHR.

Bea Arthur...You know why they called them the Golden Girls? Golden showers.

Michael Jackson...My first fuck. His nose fell off. Pretty terrifying.

Cher...Ditto with the nose. To my suprise, it suited her well.

Bill O' Reilly...No Spin, eh? Well here's the No Spin truth...his dick looked like a Pay Day bar! How's that for Mr. Morality. He also had a bad habit of calling me "Dubya." "Oh, Dubya. Oh, Dubya....yes."

Fiddy Cent...Could suck the chrome off my weapon and get to steppin.

Conor Oberst...He wanted to hold me afterwards and talk about "feelings." I told him that the only thing he would be feeling courtesy me was a burning sensation in the morning when he takes a piss. "Lover I Don't Have To Love", my ass!

Peter Gallagher...His eyebrow ate my fucking cat, god dammit!

Pamela Anderson...I told her I was the drummer for Ratt. And she believed me! Haha.

Paris Hilton...I told her I'm a Greek Millionaire. And she believe me! Haha.

Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen...I told her I'm old enough to be her dad. And she believed me! Haha.

Carson Daly...He kept telling me "I fucked Tara Reid. I have it on tape! Wanna see?" And I was like "Not even she is THAT famous any more. Just give it a rest, dude."

R. Kelly...Did you know he was originally cast as Sophia on "The Golden Girls"? When he left, so did the reason for the show's risque title.

I've also boned Chuck Norris, Lee Marvin, Magic Johnson, Tyra Banks, Kate Moss, that whale from "Free Willy", "Cafe Patron #2" from "City Slickers 2", and Alanis Morrisette, amongst many others. Feel free to inquire-- I kiss and tell.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

basquiat vs. parsons

dead dog on the highway

my hump, my hump, my lovely lady...hump day post

Monday, December 12, 2005


McDonalds vs Yanni Pt 2: Electric Boogaloo