Friday, December 16, 2005

Celebrities I've engaged in sexual acts with (ALL TRUE!)

Kenny G...Very gentle. Wears sweater at all times. Even in the shower.

Yanni...Very rough. Tantric and spiritual, but rough. His moustache is course and doesn't feel very good on the nuts.

Micheal Bolton...Refused to leave. And his receded ass hair clogged up my shower drain.

Sandra Bernhard...I thought she was Peaches and wanted to brag about "fucking HER pain away, har har." All I got was the resoundingly horrible image of Sandra screaming "Oy, yes!" in all her gapped-tooth glory.

Louis Armstrong...After going back in time, instead of invest in stocks or prevent wars, I did Satchmo. He was wowed by my "cellular phone." I was wowed by how he played my horn.

Gary Busey...I know this list reeks of less-than-straightness, but dude, I totally thought they were chicks. Take Busey. I thought he was Courtney Love. I SWEAR!

Neil Armstrong...I figured any dude related to Louis Armstrong would be good in the sack. This "ass"tronaut burned me. Bad. One small step towards the free clinic, one giant wart on the end of my wang. And get this...he couldn't even play a note of the trumpet. Some Armstrong!

Lucy Liu...I'm the reason that she's cross eyed.

Karen Black...her, too.

Ben Stein...you know how he talks all slow? That is because after a marathon 48-hour session with me back in 1978...yep.

Diana Ross...I turned her upside down and inside out. She thanked me in the liner notes of some Christmas album.

Yoko Ono...When she insisted on calling me "John" instead of Jon, I kicked her to the curb. She also made me sing "Yesterday." That was a McCartney song, Yoko...DUHR.

Bea Arthur...You know why they called them the Golden Girls? Golden showers.

Michael Jackson...My first fuck. His nose fell off. Pretty terrifying.

Cher...Ditto with the nose. To my suprise, it suited her well.

Bill O' Reilly...No Spin, eh? Well here's the No Spin truth...his dick looked like a Pay Day bar! How's that for Mr. Morality. He also had a bad habit of calling me "Dubya." "Oh, Dubya. Oh, Dubya....yes."

Fiddy Cent...Could suck the chrome off my weapon and get to steppin.

Conor Oberst...He wanted to hold me afterwards and talk about "feelings." I told him that the only thing he would be feeling courtesy me was a burning sensation in the morning when he takes a piss. "Lover I Don't Have To Love", my ass!

Peter Gallagher...His eyebrow ate my fucking cat, god dammit!

Pamela Anderson...I told her I was the drummer for Ratt. And she believed me! Haha.

Paris Hilton...I told her I'm a Greek Millionaire. And she believe me! Haha.

Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen...I told her I'm old enough to be her dad. And she believed me! Haha.

Carson Daly...He kept telling me "I fucked Tara Reid. I have it on tape! Wanna see?" And I was like "Not even she is THAT famous any more. Just give it a rest, dude."

R. Kelly...Did you know he was originally cast as Sophia on "The Golden Girls"? When he left, so did the reason for the show's risque title.

I've also boned Chuck Norris, Lee Marvin, Magic Johnson, Tyra Banks, Kate Moss, that whale from "Free Willy", "Cafe Patron #2" from "City Slickers 2", and Alanis Morrisette, amongst many others. Feel free to inquire-- I kiss and tell.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

basquiat vs. parsons

dead dog on the highway

my hump, my hump, my lovely lady...hump day post

Monday, December 12, 2005

hallelujah

McDonalds vs Yanni Pt 2: Electric Boogaloo

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Bruce Li appreciation day.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Just a 5-for-1